Appliance Repair Wisdom for the Ages

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Live Help Update

I'm off to the White Mountains again tomorrow (Wed.) for another romp on the schist. This time we're bagging Mount Moriah, another one on The List. I won't be online at all during the day, but probably late evening when I get back depending on how beat up I feel. Ok then, later on, m'bassoo.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:36 ET.  [permalink]

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And now, for your reading pleasure, here are the current Forum Fools Hall of Fame inductees--selections from some of the online weirdos I occasionally have to deal with in the forum: (Note: best viewed with a beer)

Kitchen Fools	Laundry Fools	Small Appliance Fools
Moostafa--likes animals and children in a very, umm, special way. Dierdre Holmes--"PETA" activist threatened to close the forum if I didn't change my banner. Trish--like, omigod!, my fridge is, like, broken, y'know? James--there's something wrong with his refrigerator...VERY wrong! fvon--asks what to do about his backache...in an appliance repair forum? dolton-percy--locked is cat in his microwave oven and somehow it's my fault? Mrs. Charles Corey--needed her oven fixed, and I think something else, too... Natalie Cervello--uses her "psychic gift" to perceive that her fridge compressor is about to self-destruct.	Dizzy-Dazey--can't stop whining and babbling long enough to fix her washer. Steve--filing a lawsuit against Whirlpool because he was injured while using his washer in a very, umm, unusual way. Priscilla--her washer ate her bra and she hates men.	Scrub Daddy--trying to repair a very personal small appliance. Mr. Harvey--Oops! Looks like Grandpa forgot his prozac again.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:08 ET.  [permalink]

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Appliance Tip of the Day: Use and Care Manuals

Just moved into a house or you're renting a place and you can't find any of the manuals to your appliances? Ahh, Grasshopper, unforrow that brow and unbunch those panties because you can get replacement owner's manuals for most major appliances, usually for free and conveniently online, too.

• Maytag
  Includes Maytag, Magic Chef, Crosley, Norge, Admiral, and Hardwick.



• Jenn Air



• General Electric
  Includes GE, Hotpoint, and RCA.



• Whirlpool
  Includes Whirlpool and Roper.



• Frigidaire
  Includes Frigidaire, Gibson, White-Westinghouse, and Kelvinator.



• Amana



• Kenmore

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 03:37 ET.  [permalink]

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Monday, July 29, 2002

Live Help Update

I'm heading up to EMS this afternoon for some hiking supplies. After I get back, I'll be online and available for live help later this afternoon and into the evening. In the meantime, don't be bashful about posting your most intimate appliance woes in the forum. Talk to you later.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:46 ET.  [permalink]

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Sunday, July 28, 2002

Appliance Tip of the Day: Buying a New Refrigerator

So, Old Betsy just ain't keeping the beer cold anymore and she's making more noise than Grandpa on the toilet. You've had enough and you're ready to go buy a new fridge. You surf the the web to see what's out there and now you're really confused. So many brands, so many styles, what's a grasshopper to do? Well, you just go grab a cold one, budrow, and plop your pooper at the feet of the master for another magic carpet ride into appliance enlightenment.

If you were to base your selection only on the familiar yellow and black Energy Guide pasted on all new appliances, picking your new fridge would be a no-brainer. But life is never that easy. In addition to energy usage, you're also concerned about little things like:

• storage space -- will it have enough room to hold your case of beer AND your tubs of potato salad?
• configuration -- side-by-side or top-and-bottom?
• cabinet size -- will it even fit in the space now occupied by your old fridge?

Scarey stuff, ey? Well, here are some energy considerations to keep in mind when purchasing or using your new beer-cooling buddy:

• Top freezer models use 7-13% less energy than side-by-side models.
• Automatic icemakers and through-the-door dispensers can increase energy usage by 14-20%.
• Consider your needs and lifestyle when selecting the size of your new fridge. A refrigerator that has either too much empty space or that is overloaded will have to run more frequently.
• Select a fridge that has earned the EPA's Energy Star. Energy Star fridges have several advanced features to save energy and must exceed the new 2001 standards by at least 10%. Fun fact to know and tell: if your refrigerator is at least 10 years old, it uses as much energy as two Energy Star labelled fridges.
• Placement of the fridge has a big effect on energy usage. Direct sunlight and close contact with hot appliances, like ranges, will make the compressor work harder.
• Don't crowd food items stored in the fridge. Overcrowding a refrigerator restricts air circulation and prevents the fridge from cooling evenly.

Happy shopping!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 21:48 ET.  [permalink]

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Blog of Note

This goofy website,
listed as a Blog of Note.
Domo, Blogger crew!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:23 ET.  [permalink]

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Saturday, July 27, 2002

Appliance Tip of the Day: Your Detergents Suck

There are many brands of commercially available detergents out there and they all SUCK. Why do they suck? Because they all contain fillers--inert, abrasive crap added to the detergent mix simply to take up space and to help clean your clothes or dishes by the abrasive action of the added silicates (sand). These fillers actually harm your dishwasher, washing machine, and clothes! Fillers in commercial detergents cause a whole host of problems including: clogging washing machine and dishwasher drain hoses, binding washing machine pumps, gunking up dishwasher impellers, creating foul odors in washing machines by providing nice homes for bacteria, creating leaks in dishwashers by working in between the tub gaskets and surfaces.

In addition to fillers, all commercially available detergents contain fragrances which give many people rashes, especially in sensitive nether regions, and other more subtle forms of allergic reactions, such as headaches and fatigue.

Many commercial detergents also add phosphates. For those customers on septic systems, phosphates are some of the worst things to put into your septic system. This is because phosphates are not readily biodegradeable and can accumulate in your septic tank creating nasty problems like overflowing and backing up.

Unless you enjoy adding these extra afflictions to your life, stop using those polluted detergents you buy at Piggly-Wiggly, SafeWay, or Wal-mart and start using real detergents that don't have all that extra crap in 'em. "Ok, wise-guy Samurai, got any suggestions?" Sure do, thanks for asking.

Laundry Detergents

Power Formula Basic-L® cleans clothes their whitest and brightest - especially when used with Nature Bright™ All-Fabric Laundry Brightener. Yet it's easy on fabrics and gentle on sensitive skin. Basic-L also helps to guard against color transfer, so whites stay whiter and colors stay truer. Performs in all temperatures - even in hard water. If you have allergies and sensitivity to fragrances, Power Formula Basic-L® Free, with no fragrance, dyes, or masking agents, is the product for you. Has the same powerful cleansing formula as Basic-L. Since it is sold as a concentrate, Basic-L saves you money, too. When used as directed, one nine pound box of Basic-L does the same number of loads as about 3.8 boxes of Arm & Hammer® detergent.

Dishwasher Detergents

Use Basic-D® Automatic Dishwashing Concentrate for sparkling clean dishes without all the added fillers. Cuts grease and baked-on food without chlorine. Top cleaning performance and phosphate free! Effective even in hard water. Again, this product is a concentrate and so saves you money. When used as directed, one 50-oz. box of Basic-D does the same number of dishwasher loads as 4, 45-oz. boxes of Cascade®.

Try these products risk-free because they're all backed by a 100% money-back guarantee! Best of all, your purchase helps support this free appliance repair website. Domo arigato!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:06 ET.  [permalink]

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Friday, July 26, 2002

Appliance Tip of the Day: Washer Water Usage

Did you know that the typical top loading washer uses 46 gallons of water per full load of wash vs. the typical front loader using 12 (that's right, count 'em, 12) gallons? In addition to the substantial water savings with a front loading washer, you'll also use less detergent per load of wash and your clothes will last longer washing them in a front loader because you don't have that damn agitator whipping them back and forth. Oh, sure, a front loader will cost you a little more up front but you'll more than get your money back by using less water and detergent and by not having to buy replacement clothes as often. Fun facts to know and tell.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 20:48 ET.  [permalink]

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Hillstomping Update

Ahhh, great hike in the Sandwich Range today! This one was a serenade, no, a symphony of beauty and serenity: perfect hiking weather, knee-friendly trail, expansive views, diminimis blood-sucker activity--a stark contrast to that trail-abortion-that-lived at Evans Notch a couple days ago. And only half the drive time, too! Bagged both Jenning's Peak and Sandwich Dome in a nine-mile, four-hour walking meditation therapy hike. I feel better now.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 20:46 ET.  [permalink]

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Thursday, July 25, 2002

Appliance Recall Alert

Whirlpool is recalling the door latch wiring in their dishwashers with model numbers beginning with DU8, DP8, DU9, and GPD. An example model number affected by this recall would be DU8700XY-1. The problem is the wire harness in the door latch can overheat and possibly cause a fire. Whirlpool has issued a repair kit, part number 4387485, to correct this. The kit includes four wire harness connections in the door latch area, two door switches, a door latch bolt, a door latch lever, and instructions.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:06 ET.  [permalink]

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Appliance Tip of the Day: Loud or Weird Noises in Your Fridge

This topic comes up a lot in the forum in various ways, some of them pretty bizarre. In my tireless efforts to help my precious grasshoppers achieve ultimate appliance satori, I've put together this handy list of common sources of fridge noises.

1. Some of the newer-design compressors produce a higher pitched sound which can be mistaken as being louder.
2. The evaporator fan (the one in the freezer) makes noise while it does it's job of pushing cold air around the freezer and fresh food compartments. That's just what happens when you move air around rapidly in a confined space. On some models, this fan can sound louder than on others.
3. If your fridge is on a floor that's not level or is weak and buckling, this can cause distortions in the cabinet and make buzzing or rattling sounds, especially around the compressor and condensate drip pan.
4. Occasionally, you may hear a sizzling sound from the freezer. This is just part of the defrost process where ice accumulated on the evaporator is melting and dripping on the defrost heaters below. Defrosting: it's a good thing.
5. When the fridge goes through its defrost cycle and then cools back down to operating temperature, they's a whole lotta expandin' and contractin' goin' on in there. This can cause all those mass-produced metal and plastic parts that're smooshed together to move a little bit and you'll hear popping and crackling. Don't sweat the load, everything's fine.
6. Sometimes, you'll hear a bubbling or gurgling sound, like boiling water, inside the fridge. Relax, it's just the refrigerant doing it's job. The refrigerant boils at a much lower temperature than water. So when it boils and goes from a liquid to a vapor, it's sucking up heat from inside your fridge. So, this all boils down to this: boiling refrigerant = cold fridge.
7. If you hear a dripping sound from underneath the fridge, it's just condensate water dripping into the drain pan like it's supposed to. By the way, if you have a problem with your fridge leaking water on the inside and you pull the condensate drip pan from underneath and it's bone-dry, that's a sure sign that the condensate drain port inside the fridge is plugged with ice or gookus.
8. Mechanical defrost timers can make noticeable clicking noises when they switch into and out of defrost mode.
9. Icemakers make some of their own noises. The water valve buzzes when it opens to let water into the icemaker mold. You may hear a trickling sound as water flows into the icemaker. And then there's the periodic and welcome rattling sound as the icemaker dumps ice into the tray.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 12:31 ET.  [permalink]

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Live Help Update

Ok, it's HumanClick's turn to take a dump. It won't even connect to the internet so live help is down until they get it fixed. The other thing it's doing is not ringing me up when someone clicks the Live Person icon when it showed I was online. So you'd just sit there waiting for me to answer and I never would 'cause it never rang me up! Patience, grasshoppers, patience--all will be restored soon.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:25 ET.  [permalink]

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Live Help Update

That hike sucked! Over 10 miles of almost pure hell with no rewarding views. I didn't even take a single picture. Now that I'm back home, I'm applying the cleansing power of beer to purge the memory of this hike from my mind. Mmm...beer! But the good news: since I'm back earlier than I planned, I'll be available for live help today. No schedule, I'll be on and off all day, just keep checking back 'till you get me. Later, yo.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 00:20 ET.  [permalink]

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Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Forum Update

Ok, even I couldn't stand that damn popup window. That thing was like Jason, it just would not die. After running it for about two hours, I was about to gnash my teeth on my monitor screen. But you can still click on the Pass-It-On button here and in the forum to refer this site.

Ok then.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 23:22 ET.  [permalink]

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Forum Update

It's shameless self-promotion time here at Fixitnow.com. Actually, I'd like you to do the promoting by telling your friends about this website. You may notice a new button in the upper right hand side of each page in the Samurai School of Appliantology. That's my Recommend-It button. And here's the really good news: it comes with its very own pop-up window! Yeah, baby! Ooo, it's so cool, I wrote a haiku about it. Wanna hear it? Here it goes...

New popup window.
Refer this site to a friend.
It's quid pro quo, yo.

Hillstomping Update

Got the rest of the pictures in for the Franconia Ridge hike and for the Wildcat D and Carter Dome hike. Check 'em out, yo.

Speaking of hillstomping, Ouzo and me are taking off for the White Mountains again tomorrow for a couple days. We'll leave tomorrow (Wed.) late morning, hike somewhere, then we'll stay overnight at the Cold River campground on Rte 113 by the Main border. Then on Thursday, we'll do a full day hike somewhere and be home for dinner. Depending on how beat up I feel, I may be online for live help again later Thursday night.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:00 ET.  [permalink]

Appliance Tip of the Day: Properly Loading a Dishwasher

Oh, I know what you're saying, you're saying, "Yo, Samurai, how stupid do you think we are that you think you gotta tell us how to load our friggin' dishwasher?" Ahh, Grasshopper, did you know that improperly loading your dishwasher is one of the most common causes for having food and spit and slime left on your dishes after you've run 'em through? Yup, here're seven simple dishwasher loading tips that'll hepya get the gookus off your dishes:

1. Load all your dirty dishes so that they're separated and facing the center.
2. If you place a large bowl or pan over the center of the lower rack, you're gonna block the washing and spraying action of the center spray tower. Now how're all them other dishes gonna get clean, genius?
3. Similarly, don't place larger items in front of smaller items 'cuz they'll sheild the smaller items from the cleansing spraying action.
4. Bowls shouldn't be nested together for the same reason.
5. Spoons and other silverware should be loaded with some handles up and some handles down to prevent nesting. Y'see, Slick, it's all about the spray. Think the spray. BE the spray.
6. Don't load anything that could block the spray arm. Now, you'd think I wouldn't need to say that, wouldn't you?
7. Also, when loading large items, pay attention to where the detergent dispenser is and make sure it's not gonna keep the dispenser door from opening.

Awwite, go wash you some dishes!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:26 ET.  [permalink]

If you take vitamin supplements, the brand can really make a big difference. If your vitamins don't seem to be doing anything for you or, worse yet, make you feel sick right after you take them, then you need to check out Shaklee vitamins.

As an avid hiker and backpacker in New Hampshire's White Mountains, I found that the ginseng supplement greatly enhances endurance on the trail. After a killer hike, I swear by the Physique Workout Maximizer for speeding recovery. I also use it as a meal supplement when I'm on the trail for several days backpacking. And the glucosamine supplement has practically eliminated the sometimes excruciating knee pain I used to get.

But in addition to doing your body a favor, your purchase supports this free appliance repair website. Thanks!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:39 ET.  [permalink]

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Monday, July 22, 2002

Forum Update

Moostafa has been inducted into the Forum Fools Hall of Fame for his love of animals and children above and beyond the call of reason. Congratulations, Moostafa!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 15:13 ET.  [permalink]

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Saturday, July 20, 2002

Live Help Update

We're heading over to some friend's house tonight to imbibe liberally on fine, imported fermented grain beverages. If I'm online at all tonight for live help, it'll be much later and I'll be half-baked.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 15:37 ET.  [permalink]

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Tim finally posted his cool pics from our latest peak-bagging exploits. Check 'em out!

• Mts. Willey, Field, and Tom, 6/27/2002
• The Mts. Osceola, 6/20/2002
• Wildcat A, Wildcat D, Carter-Dome, 07/16/2002

But the Samurai wants you to know that even though he spends as much time in the White Mountains as Mrs. Samurai will permit, he's always thinking of his loyal grasshoppers. Why, here he is at the peak of Mt. Tom on his cell phone, counselling a grasshopper on the fine art of repairing a Scrotum Scrubber 2000:

Samurai Appliance Repair Man:
A beacon of hope in your time of appliance despair.

Anyway, I'm back, I'm black, and I'm madder than hell! Ok, I'm not really black. And I'm not particularly mad, either. But I really am back and I'll available for live help, hangin' out at Hodji's Scuttlebutt Café, or spreading hate and disinformation in the Samurai School of Appliantology. Or, you can call me on my cell phone, the number is... oh, DAMN, I just remembered I gotta go pull hair outta the drain, or something. Later.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:00 ET.  [permalink]

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Thursday, July 18, 2002

I'm heading back off to the White Mountains for a couple days of hiking and camping . In the meantime, please post your appliance repair question in the Samurai School of Appliantology and I'm sure my odd friend, Moostafa, will be happy to help you recoil in horror.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 02:27 ET.  [permalink]

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Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Forum Update

The host for the Samurai School of Appliantology is having network trouble again. Pages for individual threads in the are slow to load and hang but they do eventually load. Thanks for your patience through this on-going saga of internet service excellent.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:21 ET.  [permalink]

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Appliance Tip of the Day: Levelling Your Washer

The subject of levelling the washer comes up frequently in the laundry appliance repair forum. And almost every single friggin' time, the Grasshopper blabbers on about how he knows the washer is level because he levelled it with a bubble level and that's the end of that, blah, blah, blah. But when you hear us professionals talk about levelling your washer, bubble-level ain't nearly as important as it is to have each leg carrying 25% of the washer's weight. A washer can be bubble-level and still have three of the legs carrying most of the weight but the fourth leg is lightly loaded or even off the ground by a millimeter or two. In spin, a washer is basically a centrifuge and generates huge centrifugal forces. Any uneven weight distribution among the legs will manifest itself in various gawd-awful ways: thumping against walls during spin, knocking down walls or whole houses, and even flying across the room and wiping out whole families.

A quick way to check for even weight distribution is a patented technique that I call, "Rocking the Diagonals." To implement this award-winning procedure, place your hands on the diagonal corners (or proximity thereof) on the top of the washer and attempt to rock the machine. Repeat for the other diagonal. If you feel any movement at all, then the machine will walk during high speed spin.

Awwite, if the Samurai says it then it is so. From now on, when I say to check the washer's level you'll know what I'm talking about.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 20:16 ET.  [permalink]

Hooo-WHEEE, another kick-ass Hell-stomp yesterday! This one was in the Carter Range of the White Mountains. Our intrepid entourage of four humans and two canines bagged three more peaks on The List, Wildcat A, Wildcat D, and Carter Dome, in an 8½ hour, 15-mile bone-crushing endurance hike. Film at eleven.

I've posted some pictures from our two previous Hell-stomps on Franconia Ridge (more pics coming on another roll to be developed) and Mts. Willey, Field, and Tom.

Today, I'll be hanging out here, catching up on website work and soothing sore muscles and tendons with beer. Lots of beer.

I'll be available for live help during my semi-lucid moments.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:22 ET.  [permalink]

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Sunday, July 14, 2002

Live Help Update

I'll be online for live help later this evening, after about 2100 hrs (New Hampster time).

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 14:14 ET.  [permalink]

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Saturday, July 13, 2002

Live Help Update

I'll be online and available for live help after about 1800 hrs (New Hampster time) and should be available most of the evening. Ciao, baby.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 10:10 ET.  [permalink]

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Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 08:59 ET.  [permalink]

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Friday, July 12, 2002

Live Help Schedule for Friday, July 12, 2002

I should be online and available for live help most of this evening. Later on, m'bassoo.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:08 ET.  [permalink]

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Ok, finished the makeover of the homepage. What was formerly the What's New? page has been polished up and made into the homepage. You can see the old homepage here. Bunch of search 'n replace in the editor changing links. That ate up a whole day. And I'm spent.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:30 ET.  [permalink]

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Thursday, July 11, 2002

Live Help Schedule for Thursday, July 11, 2002 I'm gonna take a break from playing tippety-tap on the keyboard and watch "The Royal Tenenbaums." After that, I'll be online later this evening for a little bit. Talk to you later.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 20:13 ET.  [permalink]

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I'm in the process of making a major overhaul to this website so things might be a little glitchy for a while. If you find any broken or weird links, please let me know. Domo!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 20:11 ET.  [permalink]

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Appliance Tip of the Day: Appliance Service Calls

I've always had a bushy head of hair and I usually don't bother trimming my beard. So, this is how I used to look when I'd go out for a service call:

But I started thinking maybe I was scaring my customers. Little things, like I go up to the house and knock on the door and they'd answer with a shotgun in their hands. So, I figgered I better git me a hair cut and now I look like this:

And would you believe that when I go out on service calls, I still get people answering the door armed!? That's what I love about this bidness--there's just no telling what people will do!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:36 ET.  [permalink]

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Forum Update The forum came back up around 12:15am this morning. We'll see how long it stays up.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:18 ET.  [permalink]

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Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Appliance Tip of the Day: Ohm's Law

Here's a handy Ohm's Law chart that lays out all the different electrical relationships between current, voltage, resistance, and power.

Now, here's the amazing part: all these different relationships flow from these two simple equations:

E=I*R and P=E*I

Ain't that some weird, wild, wacky stuff?

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:32 ET.  [permalink]

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

Live Help Schedule for Wednesday, July 10, 2002 Won't be on for live help at all during the day, maybe a little bit late evening. It's going to be a stellar day for hiking tomorrow so I'm heading off to the White Mountains, do a little kicking around on the Franconia Ridge, Mts. Lafayette, Lincoln, Little Haystack. Happy Fixing!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 23:00 ET.  [permalink]

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Forum Update Well, that was mercifully short! I guess whoever tripped over the plugged finally got up and plugged it back in. The Samurai School of Appliantology is now open.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 19:14 ET.  [permalink]

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Forum Update The forum was up and running again yesterday and all today up 'till now. As of this post, the slEZBoard network, on which the forum lives, is down.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 18:45 ET.  [permalink]

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Appliance Tip of the Day

Now you can get help from the Master Technician while repairing your appliances! This nifty little book features more than 10 full-color icons of the greatest technicians to ever walk the planet. And the prayers are all 100% guaranteed*!

* Guaranteed to be the same prayers used by all Patriarchates of the Eastern Orthodox Church. Batteries not included.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:22 ET.  [permalink]

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If you're one of the 75% of the sheeple who would surrender your freedom to Big Brother so you can feel "safe," YOU SUCK!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 00:35 ET.  [permalink]

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(decorative crop formation)

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 00:26 ET.  [permalink]

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Monday, July 08, 2002

Forum Update Ok, at least ol' slEZ was on top of it enough to put broadcast an announcement of their network trouble to all slEZBoards. Gotta give 'em credit for that. Or maybe not. But at least they acknowledge the problem and are working to fix it so I can stop wondering if anyone's home.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 18:08 ET.  [permalink]

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Fart Fest Ok, now it's slEZBoard's turn to shit the bed. It's down for the count, baby--I can't get into the forum at all. Can't even get into the slEZBoard help forums, which are always up unless the bowels of slEZBoard let go unexpectedly. Hey, that makes it full-circle with all out-sourced web service providers, Blogger, TagBoard, and now slEZBoard, each suffering internet incontinence. That can only mean one thing: my web host, Bluedomino, is next. Stand by for total appliance blackout! Talk to you on the other side of the tunnel.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 15:59 ET.  [permalink]

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Sneaky Papists are still at it, poaching on the Orthodox like they always have. Oh, the humanity!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 14:45 ET.  [permalink]

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Live Help Schedule for Monday, July 8, 2002 I'll be online for live help later this afternoon and throughout most of the evening. Party on!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 14:41 ET.  [permalink]

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If it walks like a duck... Let's see, it's the 4th of July, an Egyptian whack-job shoots up some people at an Israeli airline at LAX but, OH NO, it ain't terrorism! If you're stupid enough to believe the Ameedican gubmint's party line, please go pour yourself a nice, tall glass of puss.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 14:37 ET.  [permalink]

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Sunday, July 07, 2002

Frequently Asked Questions

Running a free appliance repair website, I get many questions that come up over and over again. To cut down on the amount of time I spend answering redundant questions, I've prepared this list of Frequently Asked Questions, which will be updated as conditions warrant.

Q. My washer takes forever to fill up. What gives?
A. You need to replace the fill valve.

Q. What can you tell me about a Montgomery Ward Refrigerator?
A. Nothing I haven't already told this guy.

Q. My range is flashing an F-something. How can I find out what it means?
A. All is revealed here, my child.

Q. Why should I give money to your beer fund instead of some white supremist group or the Hare Krishnas?
A. Because we need the money more than either of the two aforementioned groups and we have better taste in beer.

Q. What's the longest time you've been sober?
A. Define "sober."

Q. My fridge is getting warm, what should I do?
A. Check out these things and get back to me.

Q. I heard that you lick the urinals at the Texaco.
A. That's not a question.

Q. Oh, sorry. Are you still licking the urinals at the Texaco?
A. No, I'm at the Amoco now.

Q. Do you repair toasters?
A. Absolutely! Lots of information here that may help you.

Q. Which is worse: beastiality or pedophilia?
A. Umm, let's ask the Ayatollah.

Q. What's your problem, Dude?
A. They think it's congenital and probably contagious, maybe even by just reading this. You see, once upon a time, there were three eyeballs walking...

Q. What do you think of animal rights?
A. I think all animals have the right to get in my belly.

Q. What type of icemaker do I have?
A. I dunno, you tell me.

Q. Have they taken out the catheter yet?
A. Not yet. Just one more year to go!

Q. What do the doctors say about your condition?
A. They say to avoid answering tedious questions like this one.

Q. My microwave door is stuck, how can I get it open?
A. This page has full disassembly procedures.

Q. How can I use aroma therapy to diagnose my refrigerator?
A. I still haven't figured that one out. But a good place to start looking is right here.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 17:26 ET.  [permalink]

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Live Help Schedule for Sunday, July 7, 2002 Susan and Ivey are both now the proud recipients of that bio-engineered terrorist designer flu raging throughout New England like a Colorado wildfire. Normally, we'd all be at church for Divine Liturgy. But, in order to more fully attend to their every need in this, their time of distress, I've stayed home to help them. I know, I know, I'm a regular freakin' saint. But their distress is your gain because this means I'll be at home today and online a lot, available for live help. Ok, talk to you later.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 11:06 ET.  [permalink]

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Saturday, July 06, 2002

Appliance Tip of the Day If you can't even find your model number, you have no business trying to fix it yourself.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:56 ET.  [permalink]

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Live Help Schedule for Saturday, July 6, 2002 I'll be online this evening after about 1700 hrs (New Hampster time) and I should be steadily available for live up 'till about 2300 hrs. Later.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 14:12 ET.  [permalink]

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My dog bit my penis. Really. It wasn't anything vicious or perverted; nothing as interesting as that. When we were playing tug yesterday, Ouzo, my German Shepherd, re-positioned his canine death-grip and, in doing so, accidentally included the business end of my manhood in his bite. I screamed. Really loud. Partly out of pain but mostly out of pure, blind panic, fearing that I may no longer perform my husbandly duties. Bent-over and clutching myself, moaning and whimpering in my most manly way, I hobbled back into the house and presented my injured member to my wife for comfort and first aid. Closer examination revealed a shallow puncture wound and two bulging, black blood blisters. Susan made me an ice pack which I kept applied to the injured area for about an hour. As the pain began to disperse, I started feeling the natural endorphins that the body produces in response to intense pain. Slowly, the pain gave way to a fuzzy narcotic haze--the one bright spot in this whole surreal episode. I'm fairly desperate to prevent an infection in order to avoid explaining to the physician how I sustained such an injury...and then reading about my own injury months later in a joke email circulating the internet. Fortunately, basic function doesn't seem to be affected. Well, off to change my bandaid.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 13:20 ET.  [permalink]

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Heifer Hearsay Here's the real power of the internet: gubmints can't keep their cows from grazing at other fields. The current wars and rumors of wars, for example, are reported in a whole different light in the UK press than they are here. This article from the UK's Mirror neatly ties together many of the nagging suspicions I've been having about about how our Ameedican gubmint is playing in the "War on Terrorism." And it's been playing like a rogue...according to them. Even if you don't believe it all, the article gives you a lot of cud to chew on. That's the power of electronic print. Lots o' cud from other fields. Ok, that's enough bovine banter.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:59 ET.  [permalink]

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Can someone explain to me how a whacked-out, New Age beeotch, with a major case o' da red-ass, can use aroma therapy to diagnose her refrigerator compressor? Ok, another one for the freak gallery.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 00:37 ET.  [permalink]

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Friday, July 05, 2002

Yay, Blogger is squared away again!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 23:57 ET.  [permalink]

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It's Blogger's turn to have a bad hair day. First the template server went down so I couldn't make any changes to how this page looks. Then, it seemed like they got it running, you paste in your new template, publish it, no error messages...but nothing changes on the page. I think it's time to have a little talk with Gentleman Jack, with a squirt of lemon juice, on ice.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 21:47 ET.  [permalink]

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Thursday, July 04, 2002

I was going to post something patriotic for the 4th of July but this dude said it better than I ever could.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 19:45 ET.  [permalink]

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Wednesday, July 03, 2002

Ouzo and I hiked the Newbury Trail up Mt. Sunapee yesterday. It was a short hike, as you can see on the linked topo map. But the blistering heat and near saturated humidity made this hike tougher than it would otherwise be. Within 10 minutes of starting out, my shirt was completely soaked with sweat and my bandanna headband was so saturated that salty sweat was running right through dripping, burning into my eyes. I was sweating so hard that my sweat changed from liquid into a slimy mucous oozing out from the pores all over my body. When you're covered in snot, you know it's hot. I had never heard Ouzo pant with such a rasp before, either. That was one hot dog! I stopped several times to pour water for him. Usually, he just takes a few tentative licks at the bowl. This time, he gobbled down the water like it was beef tar-tar. When we made it to Lake Solitude at the top of Mt. Sunapee, Ouzo swam around for about half an hour biting lily pads. We made it down and back to the house just in time for the first wave of this damn summer flu to hit me. Fever, body aches, lumpy, green infected phlegm...you know, the whole sick trip. Details of my other diseased excretions coming soon, maybe even pictures! Stay tuned!

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 15:24 ET.  [permalink]

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I got this summer flu that's making its way around the northeast corridor. It's really a bio-engineered terrorist designer disease, but I didn't want to reveal that for fear of causing a panic so forget I said that. When I feel strong enough to stand at the computer, I'll be either on-line for live help or answering posts in the forum. Otherwise, I'll be laying on the couch moaning and whining, promising my kids that I'll be dead soon. They're already putting in dibs on my stuff. Let's see: Sam wants all my tools, Stephen wants all my camping and hiking stuff, Ivey just wants money--smart girl, I've trained her well.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 13:39 ET.  [permalink]

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Tuesday, July 02, 2002

The Samurai's Rules of Etiquette

Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.

To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use a tablecloth or the serviette.

Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they sat down. Wolves do that.

You should not offer your hankerchief to anyone unless it is freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your hankerchief and peer into it as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head.

Do not be afraid of vomiting, if you must; for it is not the vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.

If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around and discreetly throw it somewhere.

Do not move back and forth in your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking wind or trying to break wind.

Retain the wind by compressing the belly.

Erasmus (c.1530)

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 22:01 ET.  [permalink]

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Monday, July 01, 2002

I'm off to the mountains for a few days for a little self-imposed exile. Maybe recharge the batteries, too. I MAY update this page from a public computer at one of the AMC hostels. In the meantime, jam on the coolest home-grown Athens band from my undergrad days at UGA: Pylon.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 16:36 ET.  [permalink]

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Ok, big decision at the Brown House: we will no longer thrash our kids brutally about the thighs and buttocks with a 2 ft. length of PVC pipe. No, they're old enough now that we can use guilt trips, instead. Just wanted to share the love, yo.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man cast these pearls at 01:15 ET.  [permalink]

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